the night's disguise

Not ready yet

If I were to make a soundtrack to my life, the song ‘Not ready yet’ by Eels would probably be on it. It brings me back to my final year in high school (1996/7). I was shy, sensitive, confused and ashamed, and a champion at masking my feelings. I sincerely hope I’ve grown since then. I think I have. I must have.

But today, more often than I care to admit, the overwhelming sense of uselessness and loneliness still leaves me paralysed and confused.

An Avoidant Personality Disorder, my therapist called it not too long ago. One psychiatrist sympathetically described it as a programming error… by doing so comparing my brain to bug-ridden operating system. I know what he meant to say: at least you’re hardware is not broken… So much for helping people.

Thankfully, I have a few good friends who support me and help me get through these episodes, and keep reminding me that I’ve come a long way already.

Eels – Not Ready Yet

…

So if i leave my room
Don’t you tell me to lighten up
Maybe sometime sooner or later

But i don’t think i’m ready yet
I’m not feeling up to it now
Just not that steady yet
And i don’t need you telling me how

NPR Tiny Desk Concert : First Aid Kit.

(Source: NPR)

"Zero" by The Smashing Pumpkins

My reflection, dirty mirror
There’s no connection to myself
I’m your lover, I’m your zero
I’m the face in your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we’re really gonna need’em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?

She’s the one for me
She’s all I really need
Cause she’s the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I’m in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can’t ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She’s the one for me
She’s all I really need
She’s the one for me
She’s my one and only

An evolving painting created by four artists working simultaneously on the same digital canvas.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

—Super Morrissey Bros.

The Smiths - This Charming Man - An 8-Bit rendition by Super Morressey Bros.

(Source: pastemagazine.com)

All the big words - virtue, justice, truth - are dwarfed by the greatness of kindness.

—Stephen Fry (in an interview for Splashlive).

(Source: youtu.be)

Editing edited Just practising my photo editing skills. I’ve tried to make this one - just posted by/of Nanalew - even more dramatic than it already was. Click the pic for the original.

Editing edited

Just practising my photo editing skills. I’ve tried to make this one - just posted by/of Nanalew - even more dramatic than it already was. Click the pic for the original.

How about this variation? Oh, the endless joys of photo editing…

How about this variation? Oh, the endless joys of photo editing…